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Weird. I am supposed to be happy. It’s been a while since I crossed something out in my bucket list. But, why do I feel nothing? Is it because this still does not compensate for the two 5.0′s i got two years ago? Is it because I don’t think i deserve it? Or is it because it’s not as glorious as I thought it would be? I still feel like something is lacking, like there should be something more to this than just a number. A feeling of validation perhaps. I want to feel that I am one of the smart people around. But why do I still feel dumb even though I topped a Stochastic Calculus for Finance course with PhD students and economists as classmates in UP? And most of all, why was it too easy? Did I suddenly became smarter the moment my right foot stepped in my dream school?

Or maybe it hasn’t sinked in yet. Because for now, I’m more excited of my two other grades, and if I would be chosen for next year’s conference. The latter is the one I wanted more. I want to build my name in this field, and I want to start now. I want a publication. I want to have something to be proud of when I move on to a PhD. I still want to be one of the smart people around. I want to prove that I am one of the smart people around.

My standards just can’t keep up with my expectations. When will I grow.


There was this behavioral study suggesting that blind obedience to authority leads turns people into psychopaths. Even a random, normal person could turn into a torturer once authority permits them to do so. There was replication of the study which proves its credibility.

As a matter of fact, the first few years of the martial law were “good” according to people, since there was discipline and all. But on the long run, that “good” became abuse, because the power that was given to authorities corrupted them, leading to massive human rights violations to literally just anyone. See the pattern?

Now, The martial law would have sounded reasonable even if it was the whole mindanao, if;
1. Two of the reasons why martial law was proclaimed wasn’t proven false, i.e., that beheaded baranggay captain and burned hospital.
2. Our leader is reasonable and consistent in his statements. “nag martial law tayo noon, may nangyari ba sa atin? wala”, “I will be harsh”, “mang-rape kayo ng tatlo, ako bahala”, and some other ridiculous shit, makes me want to think that he really is up to no good. What if his army decides to take these joke seriously?
3. The Maute are druglords. As if all of his creativity went down the drain and blamed it on the drugs again. I wouldn’t be shocked if some bomb went off somewhere in the visayas or luzon and he declares martial law in the whole Philippines, just for the reason that the drug problem that he claims can’t be stopped. Sounds like the marawi attack was a political propaganda after all.
4. The congress isn’t full of duterte’s crony. Yes, the constitution retains the power of the legislative and judiciary branches of the government. But that doesn’t mean he still can’t be a dictator, especially with that Aguirre guy around. The congress wasn’t even required to do a special session to deliberate the declaration of martial law. Bibigyan nalang daw sila ng copies ng report. Joke lang siguro ang martial law sa mga congressman.

If this is the commander in chief that the army pledges their allegiance to, plus the fact that your habeas corpus friend is now suspended, i would have second thoughts. The last thing that I want for our heroes is for them to become the villain. Again.

I’m a perennial liar.
I’m okay.
Yes I am.
And I don’t love you.
Ever since.
I don’t care.
About your feelings.
About you.
About us.
It’s your loss.
Not mine.
I’m not hurt.
At all.
When you said you love me.
Then you left.
I wasn’t hurt.
As a matter of fact,
I wear this smile.
To remind you.
I’m okay.
I have shrugged it off.
You’re nothing.
You never were anything.
I knew you’re going to leave.
In one way.
Or another.
And I’m smart.
Smart enough.
To never fall in love.
With you.
I’m a perennial liar.

The thing is, she’s in love with “baby”. But “baby” wasn’t the real him. Baby loves her. He loves someone else.

Start Again

I’ve been working with editing softwares since I was 2nd year high school. The ctrl and z buttons had been my best friends since then. Everytime I make any mistake or imperfection, i can just tap these two and I’m saved.

But the thing with the “undo button” is that, there’s a limit to its powers. Especially when it’s your first time and you’re already too deep into the editing, there are a lots of instances where no matter how hard you press the ctrl and z keys, the changes that you’ve made can never be undone anymore.

So what do I do?

I start again. From the very beginning. Even if it’s time consuming. Even if it seemed all my efforts were wasted. Even if I knew i’m time bound. Because for me, it’s better to start again from scratch than to finish with an end product that I’m not proud of.

But acually, it’s never really wasted – the time I spent on the first try. Because the first time is always the learning period. There will surely be a lot of mistakes. Minor mistakes could be undone with “ctrl + z”, but the major ones most of the time requires a do over.

Now, in real life, there are also these instances where we make some decision and regret its consequences afterwards. Too bad, life doesn’t have an undo button so we can correct our mistakes.

But in real life, we have a “do over” option. We can learn from our mistakes. We can change ourselves for the better. We can start again.

Yes. It will be difficult. It will be time consuming. But one thing I know, it will be worth it.

I hope I get this right this time.