I’m still trying to figure out how metal music works.

Here I am, sitting cheerfully in front of the computer when I decided to listen to some metal (I am a fan of slipknot). I can’t understand why after listening to 2-3 of their songs, I had a drastic change of mood. Like suddenly a wind of depression blew me and I had no other option but to be depressed. It’s confusing since those songs that I listened to were my “cheer-up” songs. Every time I feel like everything’s not the way it should be, I just listen to them and then I’ll feel better.

The funny thing about metal music is, behind all the very loud banging of the drums, all the head-aching screeching of the guitars, and all the incomprehensible screams, a subtle tune is played. But once you heard the tune, it’s all you’re going to hear. It’s going to be your friend when you’re in darkness, and it’s going to be your darkness in the day. Your company in depression, and your depression when you’re fine.

Apparently, I was the captain of our basketball team. It haven’t sunk into me yet until recently since there was no formality that happened whatsoever. I just told the team last year that “I’ll be the captain next year” and that’s it. Nobody disagreed so yeah.

But you know the feeling that when you achieved something, there’s a voice inside you telling you that you don’t deserve it? I mean, I know that a there’s a handful among us that’s a better fit for the role. It was just two years since I started playing basketball. Literally everyone else was playing maybe ever since they’re children or at least high school. They had the ability to play reason over instinct. They had more experience. Then suddenly, me, a newbie is going to lead them as the team captain. If I were in their situation, I will riot, disobey, and disrespect. Just thinking about it gives me shivers. Am I really fit to be the captain?

Then recently, at a birthday party of a friend, I bumped into one of my teammates.

“Capt! what’s up!” 

Ain’t it nice to the ears?

I am the bone of my sword.
My blood is steel, my heart is glass.
I have emerged unvanquished from many battles.
Never have I been put to fight,
But neither have I stood victorious.
Its bearer here stands alone,
Forging steel atop a hill of blades.
For that reason my life has never needed meaning.
My body has been made of;
Unlimited Blade Works

Emiya Shirou