Sometimes I miss the times when I can smile even if nobody made a joke. I used to bring a happy aura. I’ve been kind of depressing lately.

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4:45am

Here I am again in front of the computer. Doing nothing. Scribbling without inspiration, without anything in mind. On the contrary, I am writing something now, which could probably mean that something is lurking the vast space of my mind. I hate it when it’s like this. I don’t wanna sleep, I don’t wanna play, I don’t want to do anything. These are one of the reasons why I like having a class. I always have something to do, something to ponder during my blank periods. Will I pass? Will I fail? Do I even care? 

Speaking of, I lost the motivation during the exam yesterday. It turns out, I already passed and taking the final exam will only try to raise my grade a little. I don’t know when I started settling down for just a passing grade. My desire for higher grades went extinct along with my dreams. Now I’m just a living robot with the goal to graduate, earn money to eat, and after a few years, die alone. I despise every day that I wake up and feel less interested with the world and everyone around me.

Usually every mother’s day we (me, my mom, my sister) goes to church. Then we eat lunch, and since it’s a special day for her, my mom spends a little extra on the food. Me and my sister were allowed to order anything we like. It’s a good day, but not an extra special day.

It’s the first time in my life today that I can’t spend the mother’s day with her. Don’t get the wrong idea, she’s not dead yet. But don’t you just miss those moments when they’re gone?

“If you weren’t afraid right now, what would you want to do to me?”

“I’d pull your eyes out of your head and put them in my skull, and look around, so I could see the street the way I used to when I was your age”

I struggled all my life trying to be a little bit of everything. I wanted to prove to
everybody that I can do good without giving it my all. Yet I keep on failing. Maybe I should try focusing on one thing and give it my all. Let’s see what happens.