1.0

Weird. I am supposed to be happy. It’s been a while since I crossed something out in my bucket list. But, why do I feel nothing? Is it because this still does not compensate for the two 5.0′s i got two years ago? Is it because I don’t think i deserve it? Or is it because it’s not as glorious as I thought it would be? I still feel like something is lacking, like there should be something more to this than just a number. A feeling of validation perhaps. I want to feel that I am one of the smart people around. But why do I still feel dumb even though I topped a Stochastic Calculus for Finance course with PhD students and economists as classmates in UP? And most of all, why was it too easy? Did I suddenly became smarter the moment my right foot stepped in my dream school?

Or maybe it hasn’t sinked in yet. Because for now, I’m more excited of my two other grades, and if I would be chosen for next year’s conference. The latter is the one I wanted more. I want to build my name in this field, and I want to start now. I want a publication. I want to have something to be proud of when I move on to a PhD. I still want to be one of the smart people around. I want to prove that I am one of the smart people around.

My standards just can’t keep up with my expectations. When will I grow.

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There was this behavioral study suggesting that blind obedience to authority leads turns people into psychopaths. Even a random, normal person could turn into a torturer once authority permits them to do so. There was replication of the study which proves its credibility.

As a matter of fact, the first few years of the martial law were “good” according to people, since there was discipline and all. But on the long run, that “good” became abuse, because the power that was given to authorities corrupted them, leading to massive human rights violations to literally just anyone. See the pattern?

Now, The martial law would have sounded reasonable even if it was the whole mindanao, if;
1. Two of the reasons why martial law was proclaimed wasn’t proven false, i.e., that beheaded baranggay captain and burned hospital.
2. Our leader is reasonable and consistent in his statements. “nag martial law tayo noon, may nangyari ba sa atin? wala”, “I will be harsh”, “mang-rape kayo ng tatlo, ako bahala”, and some other ridiculous shit, makes me want to think that he really is up to no good. What if his army decides to take these joke seriously?
3. The Maute are druglords. As if all of his creativity went down the drain and blamed it on the drugs again. I wouldn’t be shocked if some bomb went off somewhere in the visayas or luzon and he declares martial law in the whole Philippines, just for the reason that the drug problem that he claims can’t be stopped. Sounds like the marawi attack was a political propaganda after all.
4. The congress isn’t full of duterte’s crony. Yes, the constitution retains the power of the legislative and judiciary branches of the government. But that doesn’t mean he still can’t be a dictator, especially with that Aguirre guy around. The congress wasn’t even required to do a special session to deliberate the declaration of martial law. Bibigyan nalang daw sila ng copies ng report. Joke lang siguro ang martial law sa mga congressman.

If this is the commander in chief that the army pledges their allegiance to, plus the fact that your habeas corpus friend is now suspended, i would have second thoughts. The last thing that I want for our heroes is for them to become the villain. Again.

Schrodinger’s Chatbox

–(green) Online.
(grey) Offline.
(green) Should i say hi?
(grey) Maybe next time.
(green) Should i leave a message?
Maybe she’ll read it.
Maybe she’ll reply.
Probably she’ll–
(grey) forget it.
I have homework to do.
But instead i stared
at this contacts bar
for a couple of hours
only to see the green
turn to grey-
decay.
(green) Now we’re back in play.
What am i gonna say?
It’s late,
I should tell her to sleep.
Pathetic.
What better way to start
a conversation than goodnight.
So now what will I do?
Maybe i’ll just open the chatbox
And see how it’ll brew.
(grey) Really.
Why am i always late
in decisions,
in actions,
in every relevant aspect of life?
Why am i only first
if the list is read from the last?
Why am i so afraid
to send two letters?
(green) It’s now or never!
I need to say something clever.
The moon is– erase, that’s asinine.
Are you still u– erase, of course, she’s online.
What’s keeping you– erase, too soon. Too soon.
Sigh.
Maybe i’ll just stare
at this blank screen
for the rest
of my life.

Ding!

“Hi!”

Look into my eyes for this is the penitentiary of people from the deepest abysses of eternal damnation. Meet the demons that these black holes imprisoned, leashed and waiting for their turn on the noose or the gates. One by one, escaping from reckless prison guards, becoming words, piercing anyone dumb and ignorant. Free and dauntless, intriguing and intimidating, inviting others to come and follow.

a futile attempt to surrealism

m’illumino d’immenso

Morning

Like flashflood, light devours darkness
engulfing me with effulgence
and limitless immensity
and suddenly there’s clarity.

Figure of speech

A paradox which fuses
Two contradictory elements
the human, and the infinite
individual and the immense

Enlighten

Ignorance is a blissful thing
This is the gift of not knowing
That we are no more than a moss
Before the overwhelming cosmos

On Giuseppe Ungaretti’s poem, “Mattina”

Synesthesia

Her words taste like cherries
The sweetest i’ve ever seen
Her eyes are telling a story
With the loudest of imagery

She made me color
All my ones with blue
So when she asked who’s the one
My answer would be “you”

When i am with her,
The things i hear, i taste
The things i taste, i see
And the things i see, i hear

The numbers have colors
The scents can be felt
And the emotions have odors
And her smell, it makes me melt

She destroyed my words
She gave me Dyslexia
She destroyed my senses
Synesthesia.

“Synesthesia”

Mountain

Come with me and let’s climb the mountain,
And there let’s gaze at the stars.
We’ll count meteorites ‘till morning,
Or maybe for a couple of hours.

Let’s climb the mountain and stare at the city lights,
For there we can’t hear the deafening noise.
All we can see are the colorful dots, 
And the whisper in the wind’s voice.

Come with me and let’s mock Orion,
Or any other constellation we see.
For tonight we are much closer to the legion
Of stars we soon will be.

“Mountain” 

Marriage Pact

Pag 30 na tayo tapos pareho tayong single, papakasalan kita!

Dito nagsimula ang ating kwento.
Isang joke na half-meant na malay ba natin kung magiging totoo.

High school nung tayo’y unang nagkakilala.
Di ko ipagkakaila, sa buong classroom, ikaw ang pinakamaganda
Kung paano tayo naging close, medyo di ko na maalala
Nagulat nalang ako na isang araw, ikaw na ang parati kong kasama

Pero tayo yung tipo na takot sa commitment
Nagkasundo tayo na yang mga relasyon na yan ay bullshit
Kaya kung naging tayo, siguro di ako magiging komportable
Pareho kasi tayong mga pakawala at irresponsable

Pero naaalala mo pa ba nung umakyat tayo sa bundok para maglasing?
Nung habang nakahiga tayo sa ilalim ng mga tala bigla mong sinabing
“Do, may magseseryoso pa ba sa akin?”
Natawa ako sayo, kase mas tama yata na tanungin
kung ikaw ba ay meron pang seseryosohin

Naalala ko nalang tuloy yung pustahan natin
Ang mas mataas sa quiz sa physics manglilibre ng ice cream
Inabot ako ng alas-kwatro nun kakaaral ng kepler’s law
Tas nung dumating ang result at mas mataas ang score ko sayo
Sasabihin mo lang sa akin na jino-joke-joke mo lang ako
tang-ina mo

Kaya sinabi ko sayo na wag ka nang umasa
“ikutin mo nalang ang mundo tas magpakamatay kana”
Minura mo ako tas nagtawanan tayong dalawa
At dun ko nasabi na
“Pag 30 na tayo, papakasalan kita”.

Biglang tumahimik ang paligid habang nakabitin ang sagot mo
Tila yung hangin at ang mga kuliglig ay gumamit ng mikropono
Kaya tinignan kita, babawiin ko pa sana yung mga sinabi ko
Pero pagtingin ko, nakataas na ang hinliliit mo
Tas sabi mo “Oo ba, pangako?”

Ilang buwan pa ang lumipas katulad parin nun, masaya
Malapit na pala tayong magtapos nang sekondarya
Nagkasundo pa nga tayo sa pamantasan na papasukan nating dalawa
Nang bigla nalang may dumating sa iyong di inaasahang trahedya

Isang maulan ng gabi, habang pauwi ang iyong ama’t ina
Pagod mula sa pagtatrabaho ng buong araw sa pabrika
Kotseng lasing ang driver, sa kanila’y sumagasa
Puti ang inyong sasakyan, ngunit ito’y naging pula

Ramdam ko ang lubos mong pagkasawi sa mga naganap
At ang liit ng tingin ko sa sarili ko dahil di kita matulungan sa iyong mga
paghihirap
Agad kang kinuha ng iyong tiyahin at doon ka nag aral sa Maynila
Apat na taon ang lumipas noong muli tayong magkita

Apat na taon, ni bulong, wala kaming narining mula sayo
Apat na taon, pinutol mo ang iyong mga ugnayan sa iyong mga kaibigan dito
Apat na taon, ang sarili mo ay unti-unti mong binuo
Apat na taon, kamusta ka na?

Nakapagtapos na ako at sinubukan kong hanapin ka.
At nahanap kita.
Sa isang fastfood sa may Marikina
Kumakayod upang may maipangtustos sa iyong pang-eskwela
Anlaki ng pinagbago mo, muntik na kitang hindi makilala

Bago nangyari ang aksidente, ikaw ang pinakamasayahin kong
kaibigan
Palanging positibo, masigla, madaldal at palaban
Pero ngayon ikaw ay yung kumpletong kabaliktaran
Walang kabuhay-buhay, mas malungkot at mas matahimik
Ngunit mas marunong sa buhay.

Gusto kitang tulungan
Gusto kitang samahan sa kung ano mang paghihirap ang kanyang pinagdaraanan
Dahil yung sakit dahil wala akong magawa para ika’y tulungan
Sa tingin ko ay ang pinakamasakit na bagay na aking naramdaman

At doon ko napagtanto kung gaano kita kamahal.

Kaya nagtapat ako sa iyo ng aking nadarama.
Sinabi ko na gusto kitang makasama,
Upang sa mga paghihirap na pinagdaraanan mo ay may masasandalan ka
Pero sabi mo wag muna
Kailangan mo pang ayusin ang iyong sarili bago ka makapagbukas ng pinto para sa
iba
Kailangan mo pa ng oras upang mapagtanto kung ano ba dapat ang gawin

At naiintindihan kita.
Kaya’t ibinaling ko na lamang ang atensyon ko sa aking pag-mamasters sa istatistika
Di tayo nagusap nung simula ngunit sa pag daan ng mga taon ay nagsasama na ulit
tayong dalawa
Bumabalik na ulit yung dati nating pagsasamahan,
kasabay narin nang pagbalik ng ligaya sa iyong mga mata

Dahan-dahan, muli kang nabubuo
Dahan dahan, muli mong binuksan ang iyong mga pinto
para sa akin.

Nung naging 27 na tayo,
ipinaalala ko ulit sa iyo
yung pangako na binitawan natin sa isat-isa
Sinabi ko sa iyo na hindi kailanman akong nahulog sa iba
Ngunit paano nga ba, kung lahat nang ibang babae sa iyo ko ikinukumpara
at ikaw lang ang natatanging perpektong babae sa aking mga mata

Sumagot ka na tila ang nasa utak ko ay iyong nababasa
sabi mo “Do! Tumigil ka tatlong taon pa bago tayo mag trenta!”
Ngunit ayoko nang ikaw ay pakawalan pa
Kaya sa iyong harapan ako ay lumuhod at sinabi
“Arianna, will you marry me?”

Mangiyak-iyak ka nung tinanong na kita,
Ang unang sagot mo pa
“andaya-daya mo! tatlong taon pa!”
Ngunit alam nating dalawa na di na iyon mahalaga
Kaya abot langit ang aking saya nung narinig ko mula bibig mo ang mga katagang:

“Oo Do, Papakasalan na kita.”

Pero siguro nga, sa mga punyetang fairy tale lang mayroong
happy ending ang mga storya
Di tulad nitong kwento natin, na sa dulo ay mang-iiwan ka rin pala

Umuulan na gabi ng Disyembre dalawamput-isa
Pagod mula sa buong araw na pagtatrabaho sa Ayala
Nag-abang ka nang masasakyan papunta ng EDSA
Kotseng lasing ang driver, sa iyo ay sumagasa.
Puti ang iyong damit, ngunit ito ay naging pula.

Sulat Paumanhin ng Isang Gago

Mahal ko,

Patawad.
Kung pinaniwala kita sa mga pangako na isa-isa kong kinalimutan.
Di mo nalang sana ako pinagkatiwalaan.

Patawad.
Kung pinaasa kitang mas magiging masaya pa ang ating bukas.
Naniwala ka sa mga salita na nagmula sa bibig ni Hudas.

Patawad.
Kung ang bawat halik sa iyong bibig ay lason sa iyong pagkatao.
Lakas pa nang loob ko na di ka payagang manigarilyo.

Patawad.
Kung pakramdam mong para sa akin lahat ito ay isang laro.
Ito kasi ang naisip kong paraan para ako ay magseryoso.

Patawad.
Kung di ko sinasagot ang iyong mga tawag.
Hindi ko kasi kayang marinig ang iyong boses na umiiyak.

Patawad.
Kung bawat gabi ay patuloy na umaagos ang luha sa iyong mga mata.
Hayaan mo na, matatapos rin ang bagyo at matutuyo rin ang baha.

Patawad.
Kung palagay mo’y wala nang kwenta pa ang mabuhay dito sa mundo.
Iibig ka pang muli. Makakalimutan mo rin ako.

At patawad.
Kung kailangan nating humantong pa dito.

Kasalanan ko.
Dahil hindi ko iningatan ang tiwala mo sa akin.

Kasalanan ko.
Dahil hindi ako makontento sa pag-ibig na ibinibigay mo.

Kasalanan ko.
Dahil hindi ko kayang umiwas sa temptasyon

Kasalanan ko.
Dahil meron akong iba

Kasalanan ko.
Dahil hindi ako marunong magmahal

Kasalanan ko.

Wala nang rason pa upang ika’y manatili sa akin.
Wala akong karapatan na humingi sayo nang isa pang pagkakataon.
Wala nang nang dahilan pa na paniwalaan mo ulit ang isang gagong katulad ko.
Babasagin ko lang muli ang puso mo.

Kaya kung dati’y hawak-hawak pa kita, 
patawad dahil bumitaw ako.

Kung ako man ay napatawad na,
patawad parin sa aking mga nagawa.

Kung kinasusuklaman mo ako,
nasusuklam rin ako sa sarili ko.

Kung natatakot ka,
wala kang dapat katakutan.

Kung nasasaktan ka pa rin,
maghihilom din ang mga sugat mo.

Kung nahihirapan ka man,
Magiging maayos din ang lahat.

Kung ikaw man ay nawawala,
hindi na kita hahanapin.

At kung minahal mo ako noon,
wag mo nang uulitin.

Patawad.
Paalam.

Nagmamahal at patuloy na magmamahal,