Two years ago on this day, I graduated from college. It didn’t feel celebratory. It was expected to happen, and I don’t have any latin honor to consider it special. My parents didn’t even feel the need to come to the commencement exercises. They’d rather be 12 hours away and working. I fully understand the impracticality. It was even I who suggested them not to come.
Although now I must admit, I am disappointed. Not with them, because they actually didn’t come. But with myself, because I can’t make them come. I feel that I don’t deserve the time and effort they’ll spend just to see their son receive his diploma holder at some stage for approximately 5 seconds.
My mother used to think that I’ll be an achiever. I was a scholar and was at the dean’s list on my early college years. Those illusions shattered when one day I came up to her crying because I got two failed grades, both core courses. I was for termination on my scholarship. She has to find a work again so that I’d be able to finish.
Even if i got myself together again after a semester and a summer term – got my scholarship back, and was on the fast track to graduation – I still see myself as a failure. I blew up my chances for a latin honor, I blew up my chances for a nice job after college, and most of all, I blew up the faith my mother has in me. For the first time in my life, she actually thought that I’m not cut for something. That was when I applied for masters. She thinks that my two 5.0′s isn’t gonna pass any evaluation. And even if it did, there’s still no way I can pay for tuition without a scholarship. And during that time, I believed her.
But two years ago this day, everyone was happy. Everyone was celebrating the fact that they survived the first quarter of their lives. And I wanted mine to look like a celebration too. Or at least make it smell like one.
So I drowned myself in alcohol the night before. I didn’t remember being happy, nor did I remember it being a success. But I remember myself in there along with other graduates – hungover as fuck I can’t feel any other emotion.