I’m familiar with this feeling. It’s sadness. And it’s struck me again. Maybe it’s true that in this world where everyone feels like royalties, frogs like me don’t stand a chance. Just why did I even bother stalking her? I’m already happy now, supposed to be. I was already living my life carefree. Then suddenly, poof! All it took was a wrong combination of letters that my fingers used to press, and suddenly, all my happiness went down the drain. This is the worst moment to be depressed. I need to feel motivated for my defense next week. I need to focus. Fuck this.
Today is our college’s “victory party”. Though it’s paradoxical to throw a party for consistently being the sixth place during the Intramural, it has been our tradition.
Hence, the party had begun. Although it might not seem to be like it, I’ve always been the antisocial type. I don’t do well in large groups, all the more in large crowds. So while the party people started making chaos out of the science building, I decided to seclude myself inside the math department, literally “chillin‘” in front of the air conditioner.
I occasionally go outside to join the fun of course. I’m not that antisocial. Since we served finger foods in a buffet and I am too lazy to join the anarchy that the buffet table has become, I settled on robbing hotdog slices from everyone I know. It seemed that I knew a lot of people since before I knew it, I’m already gorged. Thus, I went back to my “comfort zone” again to rest, like a typical predator who had just finished devouring its prey. Little did I knew, that my party had just started.
For some reasons, the liquors that are to be served are inside the math department. Who knows who brought them there, but it’s right there in front of my eye. I always had low tolerance in resisting alcohol. When it’s there in front of me, I chug it without having second thoughts. But now,in front of me is a fucking pool of liquor that’s enough to drown the alcohol-thirsty drunkard fuck out of me. But no sea shall stop this king from conquering the world! And just like Leonidas who’s words were imprinted in the statement shirt that I’m wearing, tonight I shall dine (or drink) in hell! So I grabbed a glass, shoveled some ice into it, and poured me self a drink.
Seven glasses, five vodka-immersed gummy bears and three shots later, I felt that something was wrong. I started talking more frequently. I got perpetually ill tempered. I started losing balance when I walk. I started to react more slowly to stimulus. I got drunk. It’s technically unethical since we are getting drunk inside an educational institution. But I kept a blind eye since our adviser was behind this and our dean approves it, or some parts of the activity for that matter. It was all fun and games, until the department chairman arrived.
There was a sudden change in the atmosphere. Horrifying, yes that’s the right word to describe it. You can feel it as soon as he opens the door. No, maybe you can feel it as soon as someone tells you “He’s here”. I hurriedly hid the vodka bottle that I’m holding under the table. He enters the door. Instantaneously I knew; I’m fucked. Our adviser was quick on the response, he started cleaning the mess that we made with the department office while I remained there standing in fear – and lost sobriety. But maybe even if I were black-out drunk, I think that look on his face as soon as he enters the door will still register in my memory. It was disgust. Although, there is that anger that is brewing somewhere inside him, waiting to loom. I can feel it. Our adviser can feel it. Everyone inside the room can feel it. There were little conversations. He tried some of the snacks that we served, then he left.
There was a sigh of relief. But not long after we had a few deep breaths, he came back. And this time, we know for sure – He’s mad. Everybody rattled. The target of questioning was me. “Who’s in charge with this event” he asked. The terror was so much I went from wasted to sober in a split second. Who am I going to hold responsible? The president? Our adviser? I don’t know. Then he had started on his lecture on “The unethical use of educational facilities and the desecration of the office of the mathematics department, with ‘who’s in charge with the tables’“. Everyone was stricken with fear, that as soon as he ordered, the chaos then suddenly started coming back to order. What power does his words has? Nobody can measure.
And that concludes our party this year. We started restoring things, as our anarchist constituents went to their respective places to live. I went home with a 4 kilo spaghetti, a bottle of vodka, a can of pineapple juice, and the uncertainty of my graduation.
Sometimes when I get bullied so much, I think of murdering people to show them what i’m capable of doing. I try to suppress my wrath but there are really times when I just suddenly find myself gripping something sharp.
Apparently, I was the captain of our basketball team. It haven’t sunk into me yet until recently since there was no formality that happened whatsoever. I just told the team last year that “I’ll be the captain next year” and that’s it. Nobody disagreed so yeah.
But you know the feeling that when you achieved something, there’s a voice inside you telling you that you don’t deserve it? I mean, I know that a there’s a handful among us that’s a better fit for the role. It was just two years since I started playing basketball. Literally everyone else was playing maybe ever since they’re children or at least high school. They had the ability to play reason over instinct. They had more experience. Then suddenly, me, a newbie is going to lead them as the team captain. If I were in their situation, I will riot, disobey, and disrespect. Just thinking about it gives me shivers. Am I really fit to be the captain?
Then recently, at a birthday party of a friend, I bumped into one of my teammates.
“Capt! what’s up!”
Ain’t it nice to the ears?
25, Thursday. The first plenary session of the semestral planning had
just adjourned. I and my president were inside our designated rooms
along the representatives from the school paper, the college of social
sciences and the college of business administration when someone came
into my mind. The images of her inside my head were still
It was during our Intramurals when we first met. Pent up energy
inside me were waiting to be released since the game that we are
supposed to play in was postponed. Thus, I headed back to the basketball
court hoping that I could release some sweat.
I had high hopes
when I heard the bouncing of the ball from the basket’s ring as I
approach the court. Only to be disappointed when I saw that only three
people – a guy and two girls – were playing. Seemed like reality hadn’t
lived up to my expectations. Nevertheless, I joined them. I decided to
test my jumping strength, hence I went for a semi-dunk to know how high I
can go up in the air.
“A little more and you can dunk it”, she said.
“Next year. Watch me.”
“I’ll look forward to it!”
continued shooting then later they decided that we play 2 on 2. I
partnered the other girl while she and the guy teamed. Although it
wasn’t scored, it was clearly a mismatch in favor of us. I had to hold
back a lot because it seemed that my passes were too painful for my
receiver to catch. Then later, just for the fun, I decided to pass it
all to my partner, leaving the dribbling and the rebounds to me. That’s
when it happened.
I went for the rebound and brought the ball
outside the three point line. For some reasons, she was the one guarding
me. I was amused by how aggressive she is about stealing the ball from
me. But my amusement was cut short when she suddenly, I don’t know,
punched me in the balls. She was so aggressive to the point that she’s
gonna take all balls away from me, including the ones that were very
sensitive to pain.
I curled down the floor because of pain while she there stood innocently and laughed at me. What evil. She didn’t even realize that she just killed my child (philosophically). Well, of course, she apologized after she knew. And then we ended our game. After that, I played 5 on 5 with the other people in there with the guy with them. That’s when I got my first elbow dislocation.
Anyway, after that, I sat at the bleachers to rest and massage my dislocated elbow and the three of them decided to go somewhere else. They bid goodbye and that’s when I knew her name.
I thought she was cute. She had these cheekbones that I find attractive.
Apparently, she was one of the officers of their college, Business
Administration and Accountancy. I thought of asking their president
(which is currently in the same room as us) about her, but I decided not
to do it. Oh man, when will I grow my balls back.
Sometimes I miss the times when I can smile even if nobody made a joke. I used to bring a happy aura. I’ve been kind of depressing lately.
Here I am again in front of the computer. Doing nothing. Scribbling without inspiration, without anything in mind. On the contrary, I am writing something now, which could probably mean that something is lurking the vast space of my mind. I hate it when it’s like this. I don’t wanna sleep, I don’t wanna play, I don’t want to do anything. These are one of the reasons why I like having a class. I always have something to do, something to ponder during my blank periods. Will I pass? Will I fail? Do I even care?
Speaking of, I lost the motivation during the exam yesterday. It turns out, I already passed and taking the final exam will only try to raise my grade a little. I don’t know when I started settling down for just a passing grade. My desire for higher grades went extinct along with my dreams. Now I’m just a living robot with the goal to graduate, earn money to eat, and after a few years, die alone. I despise every day that I wake up and feel less interested with the world and everyone around me.
Usually every mother’s day we (me, my mom, my sister) goes to church. Then we eat lunch, and since it’s a special day for her, my mom spends a little extra on the food. Me and my sister were allowed to order anything we like. It’s a good day, but not an extra special day.
It’s the first time in my life today that I can’t spend the mother’s day with her. Don’t get the wrong idea, she’s not dead yet. But don’t you just miss those moments when they’re gone?
I struggled all my life trying to be a little bit of everything. I wanted to prove to
everybody that I can do good without giving it my all. Yet I keep on failing. Maybe I should try focusing on one thing and give it my all. Let’s see what happens.
One thing that the Marvel comics taught me is that Death is beautiful.