Ang walang kwentang tuluyan

Tatlong oras kong tinitigan ang blankong screen nang aking laptop. Nagbabakasakaling sana’y merong pumasok na inspirasyon sa aking kukote at may maisulat akong matino.
Pero wala.

Kung gaano ako kahangal tignan sa harapan ng aking laptop noong ginagawa ko ang tuluyang ito, ay ganun din ako kahangal noong inalay ko sayo ang puso ko.

Kung gaano kablangko ang ang digital na pahinang aking sinulatan noon ay ganoon din kablanko ang pag-asang ibigin mo’ko.

Sabi nila’y inspirasyon daw ang kailangan upang ang isang likhang panitikan ay mabuo.
Ngunit bakit ba natuto lang akong sumulat dahil binasag mo ako?

Ito’y hindi inspirasyon. Desperasyon ang tawag dito!
Desperado akong marinig mo ang sigaw ng puso kong tumitibok para sayo!
Desperado akong mabigyan nang kahit konting pagtingin mo.
Oo. Desperado ako.
At higit pa sa desperasyon kong makuha ang atensyon mo,
Ay ang desperasyon ko na sana’y hindi pa huli ang lahat para magkaroon ng “tayo”

Pero tulad nitong sulat-tuluyang aking kasalukuyang ginagawa,
Wala nang kwenta kahit na ito ay ipagpatuloy ko pa.

Kahit pa na ibuhos ko man ang buong bokabularyo ko sa isang panitikan at i-alay ko sa iyo,
Alam kong di mo ito babasahin
Kahit pa na ubusin ko ang lahat ng boses ko masabi ko lamang ang nararamdaman ng puso kong ito,
Alam kong di mo ako papakinggan.

Siguro’y mas komportableng sumakay sa kanyang motorsiklo kaysa sa likod ko ikaw um-aba,
Siguro’y mas masayang pakinggan ang live na banda kaysa sa marinig akong kumakanta.
Siguro’y mas masarap ang mga tsokolate kaysa sa mga matatamis kong mga tanaga.
Siguro’y mas maganda at mabango ang mga rosas kaysa sa mga punyeta kong tula.
Siguro’y mas lamang siya sa lahat-lahat.
Dahil kanya ka na.

Nakakaalibadbad.
Ang naisin ng buong pagkatao ko ang maging siya.
Nakakabobo.
Ang isipin ka kahit na alam kong may kapiling ka nang iba.

Kaya ako ngayon ay katulad nitong tuluyan kong sinulat.
Walang direksyon, pangit at nakakabagot.
Malungkot at walang kabuhay-buhay.

Walang kwenta.

Tama na siguro.
Nakakapagod na rin eh.
Nakakapagod nang maghintay.
Nakakapagod nang umasa.
Nakakapagod nang magmahal

Kaya’t ititigil ko itong mga kahibangan.
Ititigil ko na ang tulang ito,
At ititigil ko na ang pagibig ko sayo.

Opportunities

I remembered during the summer break of my second year in college, while I was waiting for my grades in Math101, I prayed hard and promised God that I will strive harder in my studies if He let me pass this one (It was hopeless that time since all my quizzes got failing grades. Like 5/60 failing). I was overjoyed to have found that I got a 3.0 when I checked the grade query.

Having not kept my promise to the Lord to strive harder, I can’t help but let the tears fall from my eyes as I stared at the two 5.0’s in my report of grades the following semester. I knew I deserved it.

Now, again I asked God to give me this; to pass the ASTHRDP. And if I do, I will do everything to use this opportunity to better myself and to use this gift for the benefit of everyone around me.

I guess God and I have a deal.

I gave up when I realized that I don’t make you any more than I break you. Instead of blooming, you wilt. And that’s not right. You are beautiful and wonderful. And if I’m not the man who can make you feel, treat you like a princess, then I shouldn’t be the one who gets to keep you. That’s why I let you go.

I told you to fight for me.
Never give up even if i have,
Keep holding on even if i let go.
Because this is my tendency.
This is where I’m good at.
I push people away.

Maybe,
I’m not worth fighting for.
Because you gave up.
You left.
It’s okay.
I may have been too hard on you.

This was when I learned that you have to give up your life as you know it to get a new one: that sometimes you need to let go of everything you’re clinging to and start over, whether because you’ve outgrown it or because it’s not working anymore, or because it was wrong for you in the first place.

Kelly CutroneIf You Have to Cry, Go Outside: And Other Things Your Mother Never Told You
(via wordsnquotes)

Senescense and Endings

I feel empty.
So this is how it feels.
So this is what they call “break-up”.
This is that thing that I long want to happen.
This is that thing that I think that is best to do in our situation.
The thing that’s rooted from my unfaithfulness in this relationship.
The thing that I wanted to gain back my freedom.
Now that I had it,
Why does it still feel so empty?
Why do I feel so lost?
Why does my heart feel so numb?
Why do I feel guilty?
Isn’t this the right thing to do?
Did I make the right decision?
Is this really what I want?
Is this really what WE need?
Is it?
I don’t know anymore.
My head is clouded with memories.
Memories that could have been squeezed through the juicer in our hearts so that we can learn to love again.
But instead it was like mist in the windshield of a car
Wipered aside and let the water flow.
Like the tears in her eyes when I told her to let me go.
It crushes my heart to see her like that,
But I don’t want to do this anymore.
Our feelings for each other bloomed like roses, so beautiful.
Yet was picked a little too soon. Too young.
I was too excited, and she was too afraid.
We should have waited for it to grow a little more. Bloom a little bigger.
Hence we helplessly observed
As its petals turn brown.
As its fragrance turn foul.
As the sweet talks turns to arguments.
As the love we had turn into annoyance.
I promised her forever.
But I guess like the flower,
Our forever was short lived.